What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
