I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Your cock deserves a montage
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Randomize
