the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
