I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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