He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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