remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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