There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
