dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
