guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Let's paint friendship bongs
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
