i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
