I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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