'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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