Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
