so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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