i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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