After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
