Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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