If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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