just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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