Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
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