I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
