I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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