He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
In other news, I just burned my penis
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
