just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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