i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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