There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
false alarm. still invincible.
Barsexuality is the new black.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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