My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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