You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
