i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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