Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
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