Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
True strength comes from lack of pants
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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