I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
