I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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