So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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