There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
