I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
