Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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