I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
