I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
