I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
