does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I want to fling myself into the sun
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
