Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
