i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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