i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
