Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
