If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
