im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
