I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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