Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
