Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Oh god it's open bar.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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